Crumpets
by JamieBell
Summary: Collection of HP ficlets based on Moosebutter's Harry Potter Song. Humor stories written in dialogue inspired by lines in aforementioned song. Styled after the manner of Peach Fuzz Burn, and featuring HG, and RHr.
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer:** Not mine. All phrases that these ficlets are based on belong to the Harry Potter Song, both the regular version, and the faux British-ish version, by Moosebutter. The plots from the stories do come from my brain, small as it is. And any similarities to other fics are entirely coincidental—I'm sorry if I haven't kept up to date to save myself from redundancy, but I'm busy. Dedicated to Ronald, my huge big bear that my oldest sister gave me in Taiwan (I met my birth family two weeks ago, and spent a Saturday with them—I love them so much!).

**Author's Note (Prologue of Sorts)**

Hello! Welcome! It is I, JamieBell, also known as Margaret. One who loves many people, but is unsure if she is loved back. I have just missed the first three weeks of third term, as a result of a trip to Taiwan to pick up my new adopted sister, and so, in a fit of nerves and stress (caused by the thought of three weeks worth of Physics Honors homework), I decided to listen to the HP Song by Moosebutter again, as it has been a long time since I have listened to it, and I have written and compiled a series of short stories—following the lines of my newest fic, "Peach Fuzz Burn."

These ficlets are dialogue, based upon phrases heard in the HP Song and bits of conversation in the faux British-ish version. I have tried extremely hard to make them as unconfusing as possible and I think you will be okay when reading. There will be one that involves five people, but I've managed to figure out a different font for each of them, and I've thrown names in so that you know who is talking. By the way, that's my favorite one.

It would be of very good use to you if you listened to the song beforehand or listened while reading. The phrases may jump out at you. Since the song is publicly available, I will once more plug it and give you the web address. Don't forget to delete the spaces. **www . moosebutter . com** Then go to the link that says "Free Stuff," click on it, and at the top you will see both versions of their tribute to the newest Harry Potter movie.

I am now working on the newest chapter for "Letters and Care Packages," and have completed a good portion of it. It is time for Ronald Weasley (after whom my bear is named) to take his place among the collection of correspondence. Please read Chapter Five, which I posted not too long ago. —grins—

Now, with no further ado:

A short fanfic poem so that this doesn't turn out to be an author's note chapter.

—clears throat—

(Just so you know, this is coming out of my head as I type.)

As I ponder the demented-ness of HMS Pumpkin Pie,

It comes to me as a flash of lightning,

Why doesn't the H/G ship have a food name as well?

Orange Crush can't possibly count as the only good name.

I mean, the implications! Doesn't soda go flat?

Doesn't it lose its fizziness after a while?

And if you try to freeze it, does it not explode

All over the inside of the freezer,

As my can of Diet Coke once did?

Why not HMS Watermelon? The fruit that

Embodies summer? The season in which so many

Harry/Ginny fics are set? The warmth and sunniness

And sweetness that H/G represents?

Watermelon does not go flat, and when you

Refrigerate watermelon, it becomes a snack fit for

A king! And when you freeze it, you can have cold

Watermelon juice in the winter, and watermelon

Smoothies when others drink hot tea.

The summer is brought back!

And the significance of the colors in

Watermelon! The green rind, a favorite color for

Harry/Ginny stories as it's the color of Harry's eyes,

And always the preferred color of Ginny's fancy.

The brilliant red of the fruit inside, reminding us all

Of the Weasley hair. The black seeds, symbolizing the color of

Harry's hair, and all the children they will have, as

Weasleys are very good at being fruitful, and multiplying and

Replenishing the earth.

The utter genius of watermelon! Why has no one

Thought of that before? Because no one was ever

Stupid enough to come up with a poem to

Argue it! But I shall cherish it in my mind and

Heart, because I just love watermelon—

The sweetness, and the crunch (when it's nice and cold),

Is just the best thing about summer.

And I just can't wait for the summer vacation,

Because we have to build a trebuchet in Physics,

And it's due in March, and we haven't started on

Ours and that class is killing me.

The End

Btw, I really just typed that straight out of my head, because I remembered you can't have an author's note chapter. Think of the poem as an addition to my H/G Poem "Ode to H/G," and just so you know, I've also written "Ode to R/Hr" and it shall be posted soon.

Hope you enjoyed, and will enjoy the following ficlets.

Thank you all so much, and please review after you read! Comments are greatly appreciated, whether they be good or bad!

A note to **Kingmaker**: In "Peach Fuzz Burn," you mentioned how you liked the exclamation marks comments. I hate to say this, but you were wrong when you said you could tell that that came directly from my conversation. I actually threw that it myself when I was writing it, because it's something I would say—"What, you can't be excited for me?" etc. As I read back over it, I realized what you saw, and laughed my head off at the coincidence of that comment and the fact that it was an IM conversation. Anyway, wanted to clear that up—dunno why. As always, I look forward to your encouraging, entertaining, inspiring reviews! I always have a good laugh and it's very cheering to read your words! I really appreciate it!


	2. First Day of School

**Disclaimer: **See Prologue.

**First Day of School**

* * *

"Beware!"

"Beware!"

"Beware Professor Snape!"

"Professor Snape!"

"Ginny! Stop laughing so loudly! You're going to give us away!"

"I can't help it. I never thought I'd see a seventeen year old boy usher in his last year of school by hiding under an invisibility cloak and scaring the first years."

"Shhh… Here come some more!"

"Beware!"

"Beware Professor Snape!"

"Snaaaaaaaaaaape!"

"Now who's laughing, Harry?"

"Are you telling me you didn't think it was funny to see that kid jump three feet in the air? Besides, _you're_ sixteen, and I didn't hear you object to hiding under an invisibility cloak with me—this year or last year. And anyway, I'm doing a good deed for the welfare of the future witches and wizards of our world."

"I never said I was against it."

"So you like it?"

"It's fun, and I happen to think you're funny—despite a lot of things—so yes, I like it."

"So it's just fun for you?"

"Well, yeah. I'm here aren't I? And this cloak isn't exactly roomy, is it? Is there any way to cast an Engorgement Char—"

"Snaaaaaaape!"

"Beware! Beeeeeeeewaaaaaaaaare!"

"The thought of being under here with _me_ wasn't a little appealing?"

"Of course it was—I'm madly in love with you, Harry, where have you been?"

"You are? Er—I mean—are you serious?"

"_Very_ serious. How could I pass up the opportunity to snuggle under an invisibility cloak with you to scare first years? How utterly romantic."

"Hmmm…"

"Harry? What exactly are you do—?"

"…."

"Wow."

"Uh—Harry? I was—uh—joking."

"_What_? Oh Merlin, Ginny, I'm sorry."

"No, no—I was _joking_: I'm _insanely_ in love with you."

"Really? I mea—"

"…."

"Ginny, is it me or is the entire Great Hall staring at us?"

"No… I see it too. Uh-oh. Professor Dumbledore is standing up."

"This can't be good."

"It's really too bad the cloak slipped off, isn't it?"

"Ginny?"

"Yes?"

"Colin's got his camera."

"Merlin, save us both! Do you think he can hear us?"

"I dunno, but if there was ever a time to save people, now would be a good time."

"A toast, to our lovely Sixth Year Prefect, Ginny Weasley, and the star Seeker for the Gryffindor Quidditch team, Harry Potter. May you live long and prosper."

"With lots of posterity."

"Who said that, Harry?"

"I bet it was Malfoy. That slimeball ferret."

"No doubt Dumbledore thinks himself funny. Look at him grin."

"You're too right, Ginny, you're too right."

"He just _winked_ at us!"

"Shall we send Nifflers up to his office? I happen to know that he has loads of shiny things up there."

"I was thinking more along the lines of Blast-Ended Skrewts."

"Did I ever tell you that I am insanely in love with you too?"

"No, but how could you not be?"

* * *

**Author's Note:** If you were amused (or perhaps not), please review! Thanks! 


	3. Tea and Biscuits

**Disclaimer: **See Prologue.

**Tea and Biscuits**

* * *

"How many times have I been in your office, Professor Dumbledore?" 

"Not counting the times you came because you were agonizing over Miss Weasley? I would say approximately ten times."

"Er—counting those times, sir."

"Let me ponder. Ten, eleven…sixteen, seventeen…hmmm… Harry, I do not believe I would be very far off the mark if I said that you have come here for help at least thirty times."

"I don't suppose many other students have seen the inside of this office as often as I have?"

"No, I cannot say that many have."

"Or have had as many lemon drops as I have?"

"I hardly think so."

"Or as many biscuits?"

"Definitely not as many biscuits. However, I seem to recall one student fifty years ago (before I was Headmaster) with whom I met several times. Mr. Tom Riddle."

"You had tea with _Voldemort_!"

"He wasn't Voldemort yet, Harry."

"Whatever, sir. You had _tea_ with the most evil lord this world has _ever seen_?"

"More than once, yes. We had biscuits with our tea as well."

"Voldemort got _biscuits too_?"

"By all means, Harry, continue with your spewing tea all over my belongings. I daresay they need cleaning… And yes to your question. But I really don't think he became very fond of the lemon drops—it's a shame, they are absolutely delicious—being a Muggle treat."

"Did he _like_ them? I mean, everything but the lemon drops."

"I suppose he didn't immensely like _my_ particular company, but I think it's safe to say that he enjoyed the food."

"I don't believe it."

"Harry, I am telling you the utter truth: I once shared a biscuit with the Evil One."

* * *

**Author's Note:** I think I'm insane. I can't believe I just wrote that. But I did. There's more coming in a couple of days! 

Please review!


	4. Scars

**Disclaimer: **See Prologue.

**Scars**

* * *

"Harry, are you ever going to uncover my eyes so I can see this surprise of yours?"

"Just a moment."

"Are we there yet?"

"Almost."

"Now can I open my eyes?"

"Okay. Open."

"Oh, it's beautiful! Look at all of those flowers! You must've put so much work into this!"

"I'm glad you like it, Ginny."

"What was it you wanted to tell me?"

"Well, I suppose now's a good time as any. Merlin, this floor is hard."

"Oh my goodness! Do mine eyes betray me?"

"Very funny. Ginny, I've known you since I was eleven, and loved you since I was seventeen—"

"A _whole_ three years!"

"—and despite your smart mouth, I can't think of another person that I would like to spend the rest of my life with more than you. Would you be content to have a taken-for-granted, knobby-kneed, bullheaded, scarfaced husband?"

"Does he come with pancakes for breakfast every Sunday? Because if he doesn't, I really don't think—"

"Ginny!"

"I'm joking! I've waited for this day my whole life. Do you really think I'm going to say 'no'?"

"Are you going to say 'yes'?"

"Is the sky blue?"

"Ginny!"

"YES!"

"…."

"Harry?"

"Yeah, Gin?"

"Do you really not like your scar?"

"No, not really."

"Hmmm…. Harry?"

"Yeah?"

"I just wanted you to know—"

"What?"

"I dig your facial scar."

"Oh…. Thank you."

"You're welcome."

"Why are you giggling?"

"Do you know who else digs your scar?"

"Who?"

"Moaning Myrtle. She's the one who said it first!"

"That's not funny."

"I think it is. She thought you were really—er—swell."

"Well, I don't love Myrtle. Thank Merlin I'm alive and don't have to share a toilet with her."

"Nope, you get to share a toilet with me and woe unto you if you leave the seat down when you use it, and if you leave it up when you're done. Just so you know, Harry."

"Right."

"…."

"Harry?"

"Mmm-hmm?"

"I like your knees too. Even though they _are_ knobby."

**

* * *

**

**Author's Note:** Yet another crazy, but less insane piece of work. More mild, I would say. I'm not capable of going all-out crazy. We'll leave that for other people to do. But if it brought a smile to your face, please take a few seconds to tell me why!

Review!


	5. Seamus the Sly

**Disclaimer:** See Prologue.

**Key:**

_Hermione  
_Harry  
_**Ginny  
**_**Ron  
**Seamus

**Seamus the Sly**

* * *

"Oh no." 

"_**What's the matter, Harry?"**_

"Seamus is at it again. Ginny, can you hex him from here?"

"_**Just give me a good view of his back. That's good. One, two thr—"**_

"_You are NOT going to curse anyone, Ginny Weasley."_

"_**Oh come on, Hermione, you've heard what he's been saying."**_

"Oh Harry! When will you marry Hermione?"

"See?"

"_Just ignore it; you're being a bad influence on Ginny."_

"_**He has not! I can think for myself!"**_

"Yeah—Ginny's the one who's been influencing _me_!"

"**_Is that a good thing, Harry?"_**

"It could be."

"_Oh stop laughing, you two! I'm just telling you that you aren't allowed to hex others for fun."_

"Isn't Hermione stunningly pretty, Harry?"

"For Merlin's sake, that was three years ago! How can he think it's funny anymore? Say, do you want to go fly outside, Ginny?"

"**_It's freezing outside, Harry. Besides, ever since The Quibbler printed "Humorous Harry Potter Moments," everyone thinks it's pretty funny."_**

"But it's not!"

"_And there's nothing you can do about it, so you might as well stop trying!"_

"_**Gosh, you're a load of sunshine, aren't you, Hermione? Leave him alone."**_

"_Fine!"_

"Don't you just wanna grab her, Harry? Hurry! She's walking away!"

"Hex him anyway, Gin."

"La-la-la. Harry and Hermione sitting in a tree…"

"_**Okay, Harry. One, two—move it, Parvati—thr—"**_

"…K – I – S – S – I – N – G! First comes love, then comes marr—"

"**FINNIGAN! SHUT YOUR MOUTH! HARRY IS _NOT_ GOING TO MARRY HERMIONE; HARRY IS NOT GOING TO _TOUCH_ HERMIONE!"**

"Oh yeah, Weasley? Says who?"

"**Says me! If anyone marries Harry, it's going to be my sister!**"

"Ron!"

"_**Ron!"**_

"_Ron!"_

"Oh really?"

"**Yes really! And as for Hermione—**"

"Who's she gonna marry?"

"_Yes, Ron, who am I going to marry?"_

"**Oh—Hermione! Hello!"**

"I think he just figured out that she's in the same room, Gin."

"_**Merlin, look how red his face is."**_

"He's in for it."

"_Tell me, Ronald, who am I supposedly going to marry?"_

"**Er…. Someone else, besides Harry. Yeah, that's right. Definitely someone else."**

"_Is he, perchance, tall, dark, and handsome?"_

"**Er…. Not exactly…just someone else."**

"Oh, ho ho!"

"_Thank you, Ron. I feel _so_ much better, now that I know I'm to marry 'someone else.'"_

"Look at Seamus. Do you see what I see?"

"_**He looks like Mrs. Norris with a dead canary hanging out of her mouth."**_

"Oh, Red-Haired _Someone Else_! When will you marry Hermione-eeee?"

"Oh, my stomach hurts."

"_**I've never laughed so hard in my life!"**_

"We really ought to give Seamus a medal for bravery and courage. Maybe one of those 'Special Services to the School' shields."

"**_I agree completely. We should take the matter up with Dumbledore."_**

"Uh-oh. _Someone_ and Hermione are giving us death glares."

"_**We should make a run for it, then."**_

"Have we got plenty of mistletoe to hang above their table in the library, Ginny?"

"_**Harry, it's the middle of January."**_

"So?"

"_**That's exactly what I say."**_

**

* * *

Author's Note:** And that's the insanely confusing one. Of course, I wasn't confused, being the one who wrote it, and all. Hopefully, you guys followed it all right. —grins— Please be nice and review! Thanks to all who have reviewed the other chapters—I haven't got the time to respond, but please rest assured that I laughed really hard at your wonderful reviews! 

Review!


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